Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
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He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
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It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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