Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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