She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
