Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
