Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
