TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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