Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I touched a dick in church today
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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