when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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