you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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