I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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