D3 body, D1 cock
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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