I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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