Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
