I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
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I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
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I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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