so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
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You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
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Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize