why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
