The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
