i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
