I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
