You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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