he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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