Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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