so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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