Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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