I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
