The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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