New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
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New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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