The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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