god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
