this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
