Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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