i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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