i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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