ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
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