so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
