Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
is that a dick in a sweater?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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