chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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