Im at strip club and am horny
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
