I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
