I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
