I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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