A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
