Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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