I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
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I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
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Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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