It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
