Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
