My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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