I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
