I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
