So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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