So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
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