I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
