Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
