I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Randomize
