I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
