He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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