i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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