According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
