My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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