I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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